I Agreed to Take Care of My Sister’s Dog for a Few Weeks. Uh, That Was Six Months Ago.

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My sister “Iris” and her family are in between living arrangements after they got evicted from their apartment. I agreed to take in their Dalmatian, “Cody,” on being told they would be moving into a place within six weeks. That was six months ago.

Currently, Iris and her three kids are living with our mother. Mom lives in a rental house that does not allow pets. My sister doesn’t know when (I’m guessing “if” at this point) she will be able to find a place she can afford that allows animals. I’ve never been a dog person, but I was willing to help Iris out in her time of need all the same. However, I think this has gone on long enough. Would I be within my rights to give her a deadline before I rehome the dog?

—It’s Not 101 Dalmatians, But It’s Still Too Much

Dear Dalmatians,

You’ve held up your end of the agreement, and then some. If your lifestyle or preferences don’t have room for Cody long-term, it’s OK to say so. But I think you can go about it in a compassionate and collaborative way.

Start by acknowledging that Iris is in a really tough position here. Losing a home is a traumatic experience—not only for her but for her children as well. She is probably experiencing a flood of emotions, including fear, shame, and guilt. To lose the family dog, too, especially if the kids love him, is icing on a very bitter cake. Rather than set a deadline—which can feel like you’re punishing Iris—talk about options and timelines together.

You probably need to start with the obvious question: Can she really afford to keep Cody at all? Not only is finding a pet-friendly rental proving to be difficult, but having a pet (especially a larger dog like Cody) also isn’t cheap. It sounds like Iris’s housing prospects would improve without him in the mix. Gently ask her whether keeping the dog is really in her and her kids’ best interests. It’s been so long since she first asked you to take Cody that you’ll likely be voicing a question she’s been asking herself privately for weeks.

If she wants to keep hunting for pet-friendly options, but you still don’t want a four-legged roommate, then figure out a rehoming plan together. Do you have friends or other family members who would take Cody as a temporary foster (even better would be someone who would be willing to make it permanent if the circumstances called for it)? Would they allow an “open” foster situation, where your sister and the kids could still visit Cody? If no one in your circle will do so, call the animal shelters in your area. Pet relinquishments are, unfortunately, not uncommon, and they might have options for Iris. As frustrated as you probably are in this situation, taking your time and helping Iris figure out her next move is the most compassionate path toward your dog-free goal.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My marriage rapidly went from happy, generally collaborative, and putting each other first to high conflict, impulsive cheating, and selfishness over a short window. It was like the guy I married wasn’t the guy I woke up next to every day. He wasn’t interested in counseling and locked me out of our house when I suggested a routine physical to see if there was any medical cause for the sudden changes I saw in him. I ended up seeing a therapist on my own, picking my battles as much as I could, and serving him divorce papers the moment our youngest was in college. To our kids, the separation was sudden, but that’s only because I put endless effort into keeping the peace. Divorce has been blissful.

My ex was recently diagnosed with a serious degenerative brain issue. Suddenly, a lot of stuff makes sense. I feel for him because it’s horrible news. His girlfriend ended things immediately. Now our kids are pushing me to get involved in his care, something I have zero intention of doing. He didn’t ask; they did. From my perspective, I tried to help, but he burned that bridge and salted the earth around it. From their perspective, we had a sudden divorce after nearly 20 years of marriage, and five years out, I’m being ice-cold about this. How do I talk to my kids about this?

—Not Involved Anymore

Dear Not Involved,

This letter hit a bit close to home for me. Almost four years ago, my husband died from a brain tumor. His treatment was incredibly rocky, and he experienced some cognitive decline while on treatment—something that we weren’t told to expect that early in the game, which the doctors tried to manage but couldn’t. Normally kind and mild-mannered, my husband became aloof, rude, sarcastic, and, on a couple of occasions, detached from reality. (We later learned that the tumor was growing despite treatment, which I think is likely what led to these personality changes.) It was 19 months from his diagnosis to his death, so I only lived with this new version of him for a short time. Even so, it took years after his death for me to be able to remember the pre-tumor times as the true moments that defined our marriage; the fraught final months were so insidious, and the memories so visceral, that they took over the narrative in my head.

So I understand how you can feel completely “done” after years of withstanding a marriage that had turned foreign to you. Even though you can logically realize that your ex-husband is ill, and probably was for much of your marriage, it doesn’t erase the years of intense hurt you experienced, and the resentment you likely still carry from it. That bad juju is corrosive and not easily repaired. And it’s really hard to explain that to folks who still harbor a lot of love for the other person.

But you said it yourself—your kids didn’t see how bad things had gotten, so, of course, they don’t understand why you won’t help. I think they deserve to know about what happened in your marriage, and I hope someday you will tell them in an honest and vulnerable way. But I’m not sure they are in a place where they can receive that story right now.

Instead, I think you can offer part of the story as context for why you can’t get as involved as they want. It might look something like this: “I know you want me to step in and take care of Dad. If I were in your shoes, that’s exactly what I would want, too. You probably feel angry and confused about why I’m keeping my distance, and I get that. Some things happened in our marriage that left me with a lot of baggage and emotional trauma that I’m still not fully over. I can recognize now that a lot of this was outside of your dad’s control. But that doesn’t erase the impact that it’s had on me, and I am simply not in a headspace where I can go back into caretaking mode for him. I hope that one day I can tell you more of that story—I’m open to that conversation—but as for your dad, I have to keep my distance.”

You should also pledge that, while you can’t help your ex-husband, you are ready and willing to help them while they help him. Ask your kids what support they need: making meals, taking care of some of their household duties, chipping in financially for nursing care for your ex, etc. There are ways to be a supportive family member that don’t have to directly involve contact with your ex. Good luck.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

I work at a very popular Trader Joe’s in a college town in California. The store is always busy, and we have customers of every demographic and age range. There is a particular family of five (two adult parents and three young children between the ages of 5 and 9). They come in together frequently, often during our busiest times, and the children go wild. They run laps around the store, yell and scream, bump into people and things, run behind the registers playing tag, and stand in the doorway so the automatic door doesn’t close. Meanwhile, their parents don’t do a single thing. At what point can I, an employee there, say something to them about keeping their kids under control? And can I say something to the kids themselves?

—Trying To Do My Job

Dear Trying,

This is what a store manager is for; have you tried letting them know about this problem? Ultimately, they are the ones who are going to decide whether to approach a guest or kick them out. By raising this issue, you’ll get a sense for what the grocery chain does and doesn’t expect you to put up with, so it’s a win for you either way.

But since this is a parenting column, not a work advice one (though you can check out Slate’s advice column Good Job for that), let me answer the subtext of your letter. Children are erratic and do not always follow the rules of decorum, despite their parents’ best efforts. They should be welcome in most public places (grocery stores, restaurants, airplanes, church) and given grace when their behavior disrupts the others around them—within reason. What you describe here falls outside that zone of tolerance—at least, the way I’m picturing it. Because although children can be frenetic, they also need to learn proper behavior in these spaces, and the parents should be making a good-faith effort on that front. If you’re seeing repeat bad behavior from the same family, that’s out of bounds. So, you aren’t in left field. You and your manager can absolutely ask them to rein it in without being the “bad guys.”

—Allison

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